Kenyan Road Rules

Just arrived back from a weekend trip to Nairobi. What made this trip different was that I drove all of the way. I'm guessing that it is about 350 km each way, but the round trip takes 14 hours!

Nairobi has 4 million people and at least 20 million cars (perhaps a slight exaggeration). It does, however, seem like they all want to get around the same roundabout as you.

Here are the ACTUAL road rules observed on the trip:

1. If it is not clear to overtake, do it anyway. The car coming in the opposite direction will most likely slow down or get off the road.

2. If it is not clear to overtake and there is a large vehicle coming, pass on the left.

3. If you are riding a motor bike, ignore all rules and go wherever you like. This particularly applies to red traffic lights - there is no reason why you should stop.

4. If the roundabout is full, make a third lane and push in anyway. This effectively blocks the whole road and reduces the chance of a high impact collision.

5. If you are a semi-trailer driver, do not travel faster than 40 kph - your wheel might fall off or your brakes might fail.

6. Semi-trailer drivers are never allowed to veer to the left of the road and allow others to pass.

7. If you are driving a BMW or a Mercedes you must be a government official - do what you like, we worship and adore you.

8. Speed bumps are not to be painted or signs erected to indicate their position. We want to test your brakes and suspension at each one.

9. When there is an overtaking lane going up a hill, don't expect that vehicles coming down the hill will stay out of it. In fact, assume that they have MORE right to the lane than you.

10. Bicycle riders must at all times avoid potholes, irrespective of the proximity or number of vehicles on the road.

11. The speed of your vehicle is indirectly proportional to the amount of black smoke coming out of the exhaust pipe.

12. When turning or pulling out from the kerb do not, repeat, do not use an indicator.

13. When turning or pulling out from the kerb do not, repeat, do not watch out for oncoming vehicles.

14. Travel is about getting from point A to point B - it doesn't have to be in a straight line. Use the breakdown lane, side tracks, fields, pathways - all are good.

15. If you are a matatu driver (small, private 12-seater bus) ensure that the vehicle is over-loaded. Do not leave your parking spot unless at least two people are hanging out of the door.

16. Matatu drivers are to find every illegal way to overtake you ... and then slow to 20 kph on the hills.

17. Pedestrian crossings are only there to remind us that Kenya once had zebras.

18. If you are overtaking in a place where only an idiot would attempt it ... flash your lights. It might somehow give you more room to squeeze in.

19. At an intersection when attempting a right turn, ensure that you block the road for traffic in all directions.

20. Always remember - a two lane road can fit three cars, two motor bikes, a hand cart and a partridge in a pear tree across the road. If not, you are not driving close enough. Remember, rear-vision mirrors are unnecessary luxuries.

(And some of you think I am making this up!)