Collected Conversations

A selection from the last few months:

School grounds:
Me: (to female student at lunchtime) Goodness, that's a big bowl of rice and beans, can you eat all of that.
Her: yes I can and even more too!
Me: if you do you will get very fat.
Her: yes sir, I want to be just like you.
Me: (jokingly) I think you are perhaps very cheeky. Do you know what that means?
Her: will you take my photograph?

A first meeting:
Male: how are you?
Greg: I am fine, what about you?
Male: yes, very fine.
           Are you married?
Greg: yes, that is my wife over there. Her name is Desleigh.
Male: Des a lee?
Greg: yes, that's right. It is quite an unusual name in Australia too.
Male: she is quite plump isn't she?
Greg: when you meet her, don't tell her that.
    (Laughter all around)
    FYI - being told you are plump in Kenya is a compliment (that's my story anyway).


Announcement at night meeting of male boarders:
Form 3 boy: good evening my brothers.
Boys: good evening.
Form 3 boy: I am sorry but I must talk about something very unpleasant, and I want you all to listen carefully.
Boys: (in unison) yes
Form 3 boy: yesterday I was in the toilet, and goodness me, I saw something that nobody should ever have to witness when walking into a toilet. I still can't believe that somebody would do such a thing.
Someone had gone to the toilet and missed the hole, and they had left their business there on the ground and departed.
Boys: (no sound, not even a smirk!)
Form 3 boy: we must not let that happen again. You must always clean up after yourself. It is dangerous and unhygienic not to do so. Brothers we must make sure that we keep our toilets clean and tidy. Thank you for listening.
Boys: (restrained applause, general agreement).


Brochure on Kakamega forest nature walk:
"Itinerary of Nature Walks, in the Southern part of Kakamega rainforest, we start with Short walk in Isecheno circuit about one to two hours hike, walking in the dense rainforest watching Primates, Butterflies and other insects, Birds, mushroom on dead trees, historical and old trees that are over 700 years old. After lunch, we will tour the community conservation projects, starting with Tree nursery where you can promote conservation by adopting a tree and plant in the Botanical garden, visit the Butterfly farm and see all stages of butterfly circle and visit Breeding house where the caterpillar (laver)are fate for Education purposes".


Student announcement:
To those who are playing sport tomorrow. Do not go on the road and get beaten up! Work hard and do not be defeated.


A Maasai man hitched a ride with us in Amboseli Game Park:
Greg - we would like to see lions, do you know where they are?
Maasai - they like to hide, they are very clever. But there are not many here in Amboseli. You do not see them very often.
Greg - that's too bad, we would really like to see some.
Maasai - are you going to Maasai Mara? There are many big cats there; lions, leopard, cheetah. They have less big animals though, very few elephants.
Greg - You have been to Maasai Mara, have you?
Maasai - no, I have seen it on the television.


Another Maasai man hailed us to stop. He asked if we could give two elderly Maasai women a lift down the road because they were scared of "the big boy around the corner". We agreed, somewhat puzzled.
The big boy was a huge bull elephant that was no more than 20 metres from the road. We didn't stick around too long. Maasai may hunt lions, but they are very wary of elephants. The two women went with us for about 8 kilometres. I sense that they use the tourists as their free transport.


Arriving in our hotel in Mombasa:
Greg: we have a double room reserved for "Mogg"
Receptionist: for tonight?
Greg: yes, that's why we are here.
Receptionist: which room do you have?
Greg: we were hoping you would tell us that.
Receptionist: is it a standard or superior room?
Greg: I am not sure, perhaps you could look at your records.
Receptionist: the computer is down, I have no records.
    This is where Des took over, fired up her iPhone, and saved the day. Kenyan customer relations leaves a lot to be desired.


Sign in a Service Station cafe:
"Today's special - sheesh kebab".

In the same cafe:
Greg: what sort of coffee do you have?
Shopkeeper: we have two types (yes, you guessed it), black and white.


Greg